Daycare

Dear Rishi,
I went to your new day care today to pick up all your things. Your Red Fox group was napping. I wish I had come by one day to see you nap. You always were so cute when up napped with your butt up in the air.

Grandpa used to say maybe because your diaper is wet, you sleep that way and I used to laugh at him.

I miss that about you. Watching you just before you are about to wake up. You would climb up and reach out to me from your crib.

This is one of the last pics I have of you sleeping that way.

Miss you loads, my Shona Moni.

Love,
Mama

Home Alone

Dear Rishi,
Your dad went back to work today and am hoping he is fine. He doesn't show how much he is hurting but I know he is. After all, he spent so much more time with you than I did. Time I wish had spent with you. Every minute of every day, I wish for it. So badly to see you again.

As I watch TV, the songs I used to play for you to make you dance come up and now I have tears in my eyes. I can remember vividly how you used to give me the weirdest stare when I would dance and be wondering what is she doing.

And then you would start moving up and down. How I wish I had a video of it. How did I know that you would go so far away from me. Never to return.

I miss you so so much.

Love,
Mama

On Repeat

Dear Rishi,
We went to see 'Edge of Tomorrow" when we were in India just to take our mind off of things. The tag line of the movie is "Live. Die. Repeat". While watching it, how I wished I could reset that day. Have done just something different so that you were here with us.

While it has a happy ending, for us, there is none.

Just this endless cycle of waking up, realizing you are not here. Dealing with it for the next few hours. Trying to get some work done. And then going to sleep.

And the next day, it starts all over again.

I read a spiritual article that said that one should let go as it is not good for me to be so attached to you. And yet, I just can't.

I love you so much. I want to hold you so bad.

Love,
Mama

A Month

Dear Rishi,
It's been a month since it happened. I remember vividly you walking in the front yard after coming out of the car. Running away while I picked you up.

I remember eating pani puri while you were having your snack. You fed me some of it.

Today, your dad and I are going out to see houses. I want to stay here forever but it also reminds me of you so much. I say everyday that I won't cry. But, the moment I wake up and the reality hits that you are not around, it comes. I try not to break down and yet just looking something random like the pantry and all the biscuits that you won't be eating made me cry.

We drove down the street I used to take when I took you for your ISR lessons. How I wish I had been more adamant to teach you floating. How I wish I hadn't stepped out into the backyard with you that day.

I love you so much. I miss you so much.

Love,
Mama

My Baby, Rishi.

I am "Rishi's Mom".

I will always be his mother, but I will not hear those words ever again.

My baby is gone. Forever.

Every day I wonder, will he come back to me? Is this real? Am I about to wake up? And yet I know the answer to all of it is a No.

Never again, will I hold my baby in my arms. Or tickle him silly. Feed him. Take a bite from him as he feeds me.

He was just 18 months and 6 days old. We had just gone to see his pediatrician for a check up. He said he should be saying 10 words or more and I got concerned.

But, now I will never hear him talk. Ever.

I miss you so much Rishi. I am so sorry I caused this. I guess my punishment is to feel this pain forever and yet it doesn't feel like it is enough. I should be punished more. I should be the one dead. You should be alive.

How could I? How did I let it happen? Questions that even I can't answer.

I try to be strong and yet I feel so hollow inside. That feeling at the pit of my stomach. The same stomach that bore you for nine months. That you slept on so peacefully.

Am sorry, my baby. Am so sorry. I love you so much. So so much.